A number of the parents I meet are frustrated (and possibly a little frightened) by their anxious responses to some of the day to day challenges of becoming a parent. They might find it difficult to respond with calmness to the sound of their waking baby, for fear of not knowing what they are going to do to re-settle their child. Or the parent may shout in response to their two-year-old child’s misbehaviour as they feel their frustration creep into anxious response.
Many anxious parents will consciously or unconsciously limit their movements outside the home with their baby or child, as they doubt their ability to deal with their child’s needs in the outside world. Consequently, finding themselves ‘staying in’ day after day, as this appears much easier and less anxiety-provoking than the alternative.
Another way anxiety may bubble up during your parenting experience is an unreasonable fear (ie. one that pre-occupies your thoughts) of you or your child becoming unwell. Fear of germs, uncleanliness, unwashed hands of visitors or family members around the baby or child may all strike fear in the hearts and minds of parents, for instance.
Pre-occupation with ‘being a bad parent’ or ‘ruining my child, because I am hopeless at this’ are all phrases I hear each week. But when these thoughts cause significant anxiety and impact on your everyday interactions with your child, you may find yourself frustrated or fearful.
Much of the above listed will, of course, dissipate as parents begin to gather confidence, sleep and a sense of mastery at various aspects of their new role. Allowing yourself time for you and your child to get to know one another and refine your interactions and responses may well provide a more relaxed approach also.
Meantime, there is a lovely approach which encompasses a number of aspects of ‘mindful parenting’, a phrase many of you may have heard by now and, if you haven’t, you might find some of the concepts surrounding this approach and exercises useful to calm your everyday interactions with your infant or child.
Firstly, your child will never be calmer than you, so it is important that we attend to your needs first.
Consider this:
Usually we think of confidence as thinking positive, affirming thoughts about ourselves. We can try to gather confidence by deliberating attacking any self-doubts and end up locked in a struggle with ourselves. This struggle, is of course a distraction from actually becoming the parent we want to be.
But, what if confidence wasn’t about eliminating self-doubt? What if confidence meant such wide self-acceptance that you let yourself be, as you are, self doubts and all? What if, all of you - the doubts and nasty thoughts included- could move together towards being the parent you want to be?
Notice the ways that you struggle with self-doubt. Is the struggle working? Notice times when you stop struggling with self-doubt. How are those times different? I would encourage you to experiment with this a little –let go of the struggle at times when you are able and feel the difference. As you begin to experience small glimpses of parenting without worry, you will be buoyed by the sensation of freedom this brings.
Mindful Parenting
Mindfulness is the capacity to be fully present with one's actual, moment-to-moment experience as it is arising, with kind attention, without the mind trying to make it different. More often than not, we are on "automatic pilot," mindlessly driven by mental patterns, preoccupied with a future that never quite arrives and a past that is no longer happening. As a result, we often feel stressed, anxious, depressed out of sync and exhausted.
Mindfulness meditation practices help to restore and strengthen the body/mind connection from within, in the moment, increasing health and well-being, regardless of external conditions.
As parents, perhaps the most precious thing we can give our children is the gift of our full presence, in the moment.
This is the deep intention and invitation for parents as they make space for mindfulness practice in their lives. Mindful parenting takes to heart the deep truth that we can only give to our children what we have given first and fundamentally to ourselves.
How does this look in everyday life?:
So perhaps in situations where, as a parent, you find those anxious thoughts, fear or anger bubbling up, such as when your baby will not settle, or your toddler is refusing to put his shoes on, or your 6-year-old is back-chatting. Rather than act or speak out with your usual default (perhaps, mindless) response, you might like to utilise the following exercise which has been developed to the acronym STOP, to assist you to act mindfully during those moments:
S- Stop Whenever you notice stress or imbalance, simply pause in awareness.
T- Take a breath Simply bring your awareness into the breathing body, just letting the sensations of the breath move into the forefront. Also, notice how your mind begins to settle a bit, bringing more clarity. Breath awareness actually harmonises the cardiovascular systems in the body, while also calming the "alarm" centres in the more primitive parts of the brain, restoring full brain function. When we are stressed, we can't think clearly or see any situation accurately.
O- Observe Just notice how the breath begins to naturally bring balance to the systems of the body. Let this be felt. Also, look around. What is really happening, in the moment?
P- Proceed Having shifted to a more mindfully responsive mode, take an action that is more skillful, appropriate and best attuned to your situation.
Often, we are looking outside of ourselves for love, approval and care. But, through mindfulness practice, we can come home to ourselves, getting on our own best side, attending to our own needs in a way that only we can do for ourselves. Parenting can be so hard, so the intention is to not make it worse. We learn to let go of unrealistic expectations, to love and accept ourselves more and more as we really are, finding more and more wholeness.
Our children are in need of our unconditional love. But, we cannot give what we do not possess. Therefore, we must begin first with ourselves, experiencing more and more kindness, compassion and self-acceptance. As a result, this will begin to flow naturally to our children, as the years move on.
Copyright Louise Shalders
