“Having children just puts the whole world into perspective. Everything else just disappears" - Kate Winslet
This is a common question I get asked by clients …
Here’s my answer:
Most of the time, the problem isn’t the solutions causing you the anger, but the self-worth attachment you have to NEEDING the solutions to work.
We live in an instant gratification world where everything is at our fingertips and so often I see parents get attached to the outcome of implementing solutions – expecting immediate results. There’s no flexibility in between the now and the outcome.
Toddlers and preschoolers are still in the early stages of learning to communicate verbally. Add to that the fact that they have little-to-no impulse control and very immature social skills, and you’ve got a recipe for an instinctive physical response (i.e. hitting, kicking, biting, hair pulling, throwing things, etc.) to situations when they are frustrated, angry, excited, scared, or just tired and out-of-sorts.
As most of us have taken smacking and other forms of corporal punishment out of the parenting tool box, time outs have become the go-to for parents struggling to manage unwanted behaviours.
Psychologist Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, author of parenting book, ‘Discipline without Damage’, argues the science of child neuro-development tells us interventions should “reinforce connection, not separation” between a child and a parent.
Preliminary Checklist
As most of us have taken smacking and other forms of corporal punishment out of the parenting tool box, time outs have become the go-to for parents struggling to manage unwanted behaviours.
Psychologist Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, author of parenting book, ‘Discipline without Damage’, argues the science of child neuro-development tells us interventions should “reinforce connection, not separation” between a child and a parent.
“I try so hard to change, but every time I vow never to get angry again, I just end up giving up, falling back into the same habits, and then I give up, feeling like a complete failure. ”We get angry. We feel guilty. We apologise. We hate ourselves or beat ourselves up. We vow to be calm next time. We don’t… repeat. But it’s not like you haven’t tried, right? You really have. You have probably researched anger management suggestions – take a deep breath, walk away when angry, take more time out.
A concerned father asks: As I reflect on my childhood and growing up, I wonder if we are creating parents who are too soft? What I mean by this is when I was younger and I did something wrong I would get a whack across the bottom with a wooden spoon – granted, this was a last resort and there were warnings before this, however I know that I learnt my lesson and wouldn’t be repeating that behaviour anytime soon.
Psychologists call them ‘externalising behaviours’ - acts of disruption, aggression, defiance, or anti-social intent. Almost every parent has to cope with them at some point, particularly during the toddler years. Young children are still developing the ability to regulate their emotions and impulses, and need to learn what is expected of them.
Toddlers and preschoolers are still in the early stages of learning to communicate verbally. Add to that the fact that they have little-to-no impulse control and very immature social skills, and you’ve got a recipe for an instinctive physical response (i.e. hitting, kicking, biting, hair pulling, throwing things, etc.) to situations when they are frustrated, angry, excited, scared, or just tired and out-of-sorts.
Over the years as I have worked with, advised, laughed with, worried with, walked the journey with thousands of parents, I have found one thing missing in many parent-child relationships. It is the one thing everyone needs and the one thing most live their entire lifetime without. That unpracticed aspect is a relationship based on unconditional love.
Limits, boundaries and consequences all work together with love and empathy to teach and help our kids perceive and interact with the world in positive ways. In this article I’ll address each concept of limits, boundaries and consequences and some practical ways to understand and utilise them in positive, peaceful ways.
Limits, boundaries and consequences all work together with love and empathy to teach and help our kids perceive and interact with the world in positive ways. In this article I’ll address each concept of limits, boundaries and consequences and some practical ways to understand and use them in positive, peaceful ways.
Sometimes bad things happen to good people. Relationships break, careers fold, accidents happen, our hard work ends in bankruptcy or redundancy, our great kids make bad decisions - and sometimes this has nothing at all to do with us.
It's always important to look at what we can learn, and how we can grow through the mess, but it doesn't mean we caused it or deserved it, or that we could have done anything to avoid it. What's needed is a gentle surrender - not in the way of giving up, we always have to fight for us - but in the way of surrendering the need to rewind or understand or hang on to what should have been.
Some people report that they cannot relax, that relaxation is not working for them, or that they cannot bring themselves to practice relaxation. Since all human beings share a similar biological make-up, there is usually no physical reason why relaxation should work for some people and not others.
The reason that relaxation may not work for some people is usually some psychological factor or lack of practice. If you have difficulty relaxing it may be beneficial to explore the reasons for this difficulty.
Mental health disorders can make it extremely difficult for new and expectant mothers to get through the day, let alone manage during pregnancy, respond to the needs of their infant or attend to other children.
Research outcomes from Beyondblue have revealed that many depressed mothers describe feeling no joy. Instead, they feel like they are down a black hole, numb, detached, alone and/or unable to cope or interact with their baby or their life. The sense of hopelessness can often feel overwhelming.
"All I wanted to do was to just crawl into bed and stay there, on my own, and everyone to go away - including my baby and my mum."