When children make a mistake, muck up, break things, say something obscene, do the opposite of what you ask or don’t listen to you, although pain or shame may be the default method for many parents, it isn’t the most effective lesson to help your child find their way…
While there are numerous parenting tools to help children learn “consequences” of their actions, here are my TOP FIVE to help families move beyond the punishment mind set:
1. Count to 10 or 20 or 100
Whatever number you may need to re-centre and calm yourself. Close your eyes or ask another adult to step in and be with the child if there is a safety concern. When you are calm, step back in and try to resolve the conflict through words.
I once walked into the bathroom and found my two-year-old had painted the bathroom walls with poo. Yes, real stinky poo. I counted to ten in which time I realised it was my fault entirely for leaving him alone, without a plan of what he would do in the time I was in the living room feeding his sister.
I took a deep breath and asked him if I could help him wash his hands and run a warm bath for him to play in. While he bathed, I cleaned the walls and when he was done bathing he helped dry up the now clean walls. He said drying the walls was hard work, I asked if he knew why they needed to be cleaned and his response was “I not going to make poo pictures on there again.”
There was no spanking, no shaming. Also, no poo on the walls again!
2. Set Limits
Children need limits, like set bed times so the get appropriate rest, healthy food options to lean how to nourish themselves. Make these limits clear and be consistent. It doesn’t mean you can’t be flexible but it does mean you need to be accountable for your decisions as a parent. It has always been my belief that a parent who sets fair and reasonable limits and is not ‘afraid’ of their children, is demonstrating respect for their child.
It can often feel simpler (or lazy) to allow a free reign for your child, but my observation over the years has been that children who don’t experience limitations to their behaviour often display signs of insecurity, not knowing where their boundaries lie.
3. Create a safe home
Young children need to play, learn and explore. They do this by climbing, tinkering, taking a part, building things back together. If you don’t want the sofa to be jumped on, cupboards to be opened and emptied, drawers to be dumped, then lock things, store things away and implement alternatives like a mattress for jumping on.
The other part of creating a safe home is providing emotional safety, children will say the “wrong things”, they may lash out in anger or frustration. Help them feel safe by accepting them, showing empathy, care and giving unconditional love.
4. Discuss, Plan and Practice your Approach as a Parenting Team
It is very common for two parents to have had differing parenting experiences as children themselves, and then when they come together to parent their own child, find that they have difficulty staying on the same page as each other. Please remember, this will always involve some compromise.
Determine what is important to you- what are the non-negotiables as far as you are concerned when approaching parenting your child. Discuss these openly with your partner, plan a shared approach, practice this approach with each other in the good times and, most important of all, back each other when managing your child’s challenging behaviours.
I always think it is an important step to include an opportunity for parents to come together afterwards and reflect on the most effective and less effective elements of the exchange with the child.
5. Connect and then Correct
This is one of my all-time favourites and parents will often tell me it feels counter-intuitive initially when in the moment with their child- we sometimes need to fake it until we make it!
When you observe a child getting ready to do something unacceptable or if you dislike a certain behaviour, instead of yelling from across the room or waiting to punish after the fact, whenever possible start the process by proactively connecting with your child. If you can relate to their situation, stop something before it starts or engage with your child in his play it can make a real change in your dynamic.
How does this translate to real life?
In the evening, after playing a game it is time for getting ready to sleep.
Mum: That was a fun game, I enjoyed playing with you.
Five-Year-Old: Mum, I want to play another round of twister.
Mum: Oh, you really like this game. (connecting) I see that; it is really fun. Since it’s 7 o´clock, the answer is: you can play again tomorrow, now it`s time to get ready for bed. (States limit)
Five-Year-Old: You are no fun mum. I´m going to throw the game in the trash now.
Mum: I can see you are upset (keeping it safe, no accusations or yelling about the trash threat) I bet you really would like to play more, I believe you. Bed time sure came fast tonight. (reassurance, empathy). You may not throw the game. (Limit)
Five-Year-Old: Please, just another round!
Mum: 7 pm means time to get ready for bed. (restating limit, firmly) We can play a tooth brushing game if you would like. (keeping it fun and positive to connect)
The game was put away and the evening routine went on as planned.
Instead of punishing, we can show the way, explain, ask, demonstrate, talk. Is it a difficult, tiring, sometimes heartbreaking, hair pulling, stick your head in a paper bag and just breath, will this ever end, type of a process? Well, yes, it will feel this way until your child becomes familiar with your repertoire and subtly you will feel the dynamic between you and your child make a positive shift.
Copyright Louise Shalders.
