WHAT I’VE LEARNT: Part 1
In more recent times I have been asked to write down or, at the very least teach, all that I have learnt regarding infants, their behaviours and responses, what works and doesn’t work with regards to settling, the common health compromises and developmental challenges of infants, effective treatments of same and those with less suitable outcomes… no small task!
I have been encouraged and, I admit, attempted to write down a ‘step-one; step-two style’ instruction guide for settling infants in the like-fashion of so many before me, but I have failed miserably as my delete button is worked overtime. Reading back over my somewhat frugal written attempts and sensing the contriteness of my argument, my largest message is simply that there is ‘no one size fits all’... all parent-infant dyads are so beautifully unique, and should remain so.
In my opinion, this may well be where those authors who nominate themselves as ‘sleep nanny’ or ‘parenting expert’ fall down. How can a single book full of sleep and settling routines be suitable for all babies? The author has not met, assessed circumstances of both parent and child, observed the infant, examined the child for health concerns contributing to settling challenges, determined the impact of parent approaches on the infant, trialled settling method and had the opportunity to note the intricacies of response from the infant, thereby adjusting the approach, as indicated. It is my experience that written generic step- by-step methods, dutifully followed by parents, often only end in the parent feeling that they have failed and are left with a stressed-out infant, as a result…damaging for all!
So… I hear you say, how would you have me settle my distressed baby, if I can’t read about it and learn it?... Great question!
My answer, of course, would be that each infant settling experience requires a unique approach, to be assessed, initiated and evaluated by an experienced consultant - infant sleep may appear a straightforward consideration - we all need to sleep, right? How hard can this be?
‘My sister-in-law has given me this book and I am following the suggested routine for my 2 month old’
In my experience, infants don’t necessarily operate to family schedule for quite a few months. For many it’s a good year before a family routine is able to be followed… despite the adults’ best intentions! So, for instance, expecting an infant to be awake at 7am, nap at 9am, awake at 11am, nap at 1pm and awake at 3pm, is interestingly optimistic and somewhat robotic, to say the least. Where is the uniqueness of this infant’s needs and family’s circumstances in this scenario?
‘My friend used the ‘controlled comforting technique’ and it worked for her baby’.
Similarly, not responding to an infant’s cry until a certain period of time has elapsed, the extending the period of distress each episode, is teaching the infant what? ‘When I cry, nobody responds in a timely fashion and eventually I sleep through exhaustion?’
‘My mother suggests that I just leave him to cry and he will stop eventually, because they all do. She says I’m spoiling him by tending to his demands.’
Have you ever heard an infant sleep after being left to cry for an extended period? The sobbing in their sleep can go on for an hour…. un-nerving to hear for the well-intended parent and CERTAINLY not restful sleep for the child!
There are, of course, a variety of approaches to encouraging an infant to settle. These may be taught to parents and health care professionals, alike. But, they remain individualised and dependent on the infant and family circumstances at hand, requiring those that are directing such change to be suitably qualified and highly experienced in the observation and subsequent assessment of the infant. The professional must also have a thorough understanding of the intricacies of the parent-infant attachment relationship, as infant sleep and settling behaviours remain an integral part of a much larger family context.
More on this hot topic in next month’s newsletter.
Copyright Louise Shalders.
