First there's the screaming fit over who gets to hold the new rabbit. Then an argument begins over who will put the key in the front-door lock. Then there's the shoving over whose turn it is to sit on the window bench. Finally there's the Disney dance party turned UFC cage match, which ends with my 7-year-old, Mikaela, shouting, "Olivia started it!" and my 5-year-old, Olivia, screaming, "Mikaela started it!" and me yelling, "Stop yelling!"
I turn to my husband and state the obvious: "We have lost control of the asylum."
Our kids fight every single day - in the car, in the bathroom, in the supermarket. These two little girls, who barely a year ago were as close as Thelma and Louise, now feud like Kardashians. Far too much of our precious family time is spent negotiating truces. Yet nothing changes. The next morning, the battle hymn plays and, just like that, they're off to the front lines again.
Of course, it's comforting to know we aren't the only ones whose kids spar. A University of Illinois study found that siblings ages 3 to 9 typically have arguments several times an hour. Whether you have girls, boys, or a mix doesn't matter. Most siblings squabble.
While it's true that disagreements can help sisters and brothers hone social skills such as negotiation and compromise, there is a downside: frequent, intensive fighting can lower their self-esteem and encourage victimisation or bullying behaviours.
It's a real possibility, though. The way your kids interact early on tends to stay consistent as they get older, according to Laurie Kramer, Ph.D., a psychologist at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. She developed More Fun With Sisters and Brothers, a researched-based program in which 4- to 8-year-olds learn to resolve differences and manage their emotions.
The good news: "You can change the pattern of fighting among your kids," says Dr. Kramer. But you have to be willing to put in the work.
Help your kids become team players.
Preventing fights from flaring up in the first place is the surest way to promote harmony. Start by referring to your children as a team as often as possible: “You're such a good cleanup crew" or "You two are quite the silly dancing duo”. This gets you in the habit of praising their positive interactions. I'll sometimes go the other way, poking fun at their actions: “Your singing together sounds like chickens squawking during a fire alarm.” Not only does this make them laugh, but it also moves them to defend their Ariana Grande-like abilities to me - as a team.
"Siblings who feel like they're working together, rather than being opponents, will naturally help each other out", says Mark Feinberg, Ph.D., who co-developed Penn State's Siblings Are Special project, which teaches primary school aged brothers and sisters (and their families) to play nicely. He suggests setting up situations in which your kids join forces, such as building a fort or making muffins.
Expand their emotional vocabulary.
Lots of sibling conflicts occur because young children don't know the proper way to express what's bothering them. That's why toddlers resort to biting and hitting and older kids impulsively spout statements they don't truly mean: "I hate you!", which can easily turn a minor argument into a big-time battle. The more words a child has to describe his feelings, the more likely he is to stay calm, notes Dr. Kramer.
So if his little sister knocks over his block tower, he can tell you, ‘I'm angry that she ruined my project’ instead of hitting or yelling at her. "It's important to talk about emotions beyond happy, sad, and angry", says Dr. Kramer. Expressing out loud how you feel, whether it's ‘annoyed’, ‘disappointed’, or ‘confused’, will teach your kids new words to express what they're feeling - a significant first step in learning how to manage emotions.
Rather than waiting until your kids are upset to have a discussion, take advantage of teachable moments. When we're at the park and see another child freaking out, I always ask the girls, "What do you think he's feeling?" When they default to describing the emotion as ‘mad’ or ‘sad’, I fill in the blanks: "If my sand shovel broke, I'd be pretty frustrated, wouldn't you?"
Keep your cool.
Charging into a war zone and yelling "Stop it right now!", might shock your kids into silence, but it won't prevent them from resuming their clash as soon as you leave the room, says Peter Goldenthal, Ph.D., author of ‘Beyond Sibling Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Become Cooperative, Caring, and Compassionate’.
Sure, it's hard to listen to your kids fight and difficult to manage your anger - both at them and at yourself for not being able to keep the peace. But consider counting to ten before you storm into the room. "I stop and look at their baby pictures on the wall," says Roseanne T, a mum of three. My serenity-restoring trick is a sign I wrote on a piece of paper and taped to the wall in the kitchen. It says, "Three deep breaths." Every time I look at it, I follow these directions. It really does help.
Copyright Louise Shalders
