To thrive, we need to help our kids strengthen the connections horizontally – with the logical left brain and the emotional right brain working together, and vertically – with the rational front brain and the instinctive lower brain working together.
An important part of dealing with anxiety means not avoiding the things that feel overwhelming, but this will happen more easily when the entire brain is working together. This will mean easing the anxiety first, so the brain is more receptive to trying something new or unfamiliar. Now for the how.
1. Don’t show resistance – yet.
Any resistance you show to your child when their anxiety is at full volume will only make the resolve of the lower brain stronger. Remember, it deals with things through fight or flight – not negotiation, not compromise, not stretching. This doesn’t mean always letting anxiety drive behaviour. Sometimes it will be important for your child to be brave and do the things that they are anxious about, but this will be easier if you pick your moment. Re-establish the connection between the front and back of the brain, then, once the front of the brain is back online and the left and right brain are working together, you will be in a better position to encourage different behaviour.
2. Be calm, soothing supportive – whatever their behaviour. (This will calm the protective, anxious lower brain.)
During anxiety, behaviour might take different shapes – aggression, tantrums, avoidance, clinginess – but it is all driven by a brain in fight or flight. What your child needs more than anything in that moment is to feel safe. Your tone, volume, and physically positioning yourself on their level will all help to communicate this. Be as calm, soothing and supportive as you can be. Responding any other way will inflame a brain that is already feeling vulnerable. There will be time to deal with behavioural issues later.
3. Name what you see. (This will also calm the lower brain.)
Name the feeling or fear that you see. This will send the message to the lower brain that you understand and that you’re there to help. It will let the protective lower brain know that it has done its job and found support. Try, ‘You look scared. Is that what you’re feeling right now?’ or ‘I can see that you’re worried about going to the party. Is that what’s happening for you?’ Feelings always exist to meet a need. With anxiety, the need is to feel safe, even if there is no obvious threat. Research has found that labelling an emotion calms the activity in the amygdala (the lower brain) and at the same time increases activity in the prefrontal cortex. When you name the feeling and offer what’s needed (assurance, warmth, security) the need behind the feeling will ease, and the feeling will start to calm. As Marc Bracket from the Yale Centre for Emotional Intelligence describes, “Labelling your emotions is key. If you can name it, you can tame it.”
4. Get them talking (To strengthen the connection between right and left.)
Recruit the left brain by encouraging your child to put their own words to their experience. Ask your child to talk to you about what he or she is feeling and what has happened up to now. You might need to help them by encouraging the detail, “and then what?” or “what happened before that?”. This kind of story-telling will help to connect the right and left brain and therefore help to make sense of the experience.
When children use words to talk about their emotions, they are connecting the emotion and memories of their right brain with the language and logic of the left. This will strengthen the connection between the right and the left brain, and smooth the flow of information between the two. Think of it as building a bridge between the right and the left sides of the brain. When your child feels anxious and needs to make sense of the experience, he or she can use the bridge to access the words and logic that will give meaning to the experience. The more you are able to engage the left brain (by using words and describing the experience in a linear, concrete way), the stronger the bridge will be. Be patient – this will take time. Strong, beautiful bridges aren’t built in moments.
5. Shhh… Let them sleep. (To strengthen the connection between right and left)
Sleep is a beautiful thing for all of us, and it’s especially important that kids with anxiety get enough of it. Research has shown that during sleep, the connections between the right and left hemispheres of a child’s brain are strengthened by up to 20%. New connections are formed and a fatty protective layer of insulation called myelin forms around the nerve fibres. Myelin is important because it speeds up the transfer of information across nerve cells. The greater the myelination, the stronger the connection.
6. When they are relaxed, give them a logical explanation of anxiety. (To strengthen the connection between right and left.)
When your child is calm, explain what anxiety is in a logical, linear way. Every time you talk about this, you will be adding more and more structure to the bridge between the left and the right. Helping them understand why their anxiety feels the way it does is powerful. We all need to make sense of our experiences, and if a child is left to make sense of the physical sense of anxiety, their own version won’t feel as friendly. Anxiety feels out of control and frightening. It can be so convincing and when it takes hold, there’s often a feeling of certainty that there is something to be scared or, or that something more serious is driving the symptoms.
There is a level of safety, security and comfort that comes with awareness. Think of this like noises in the night. If you know that the noises in the next room are from the television, all is good. But if there is no television in the room next door and no other explanation for the noises you’re hearing, it’s going to feel terrifying. Images of robbers or intruders will fill your head. It’s the same for anxiety. If your child understands where their feelings coming from and what’s causing them, they will eventually feel less threatened by the experience.
7. Encourage them to practice strong breathing. (To re-engage the front brain easier and to strengthen the connection between the front and back).
Strong, deep breathing initiates the relaxation response, which was discovered by Herbert Benson, Associate Professor of Medicine at the Harvard Medical School. The relaxation response neutralises the fight or flight neurochemicals. Remember, it is the surging of these neurochemicals that swamp the front brain and send it offline. Once the neurochemicals begin to neutralise, the front brain is free to re-engage and send some loving calm to the back brain.
Just like the fight or flight response, the relaxation response is hardwired into us but it does have to be actively engaged. In the midst of anxiety, the brain is too busy to concentrate on slow, deep breathing, but with practice, this can become more automatic. Each day, when your child is relaxed, have them practice breathing in for three, hold for one and out for three. Do this about 5 to 10 times. The idea is to do it so much that is can be called up as easily as any habit.
8. Mindfulness (To strengthen the connection between the front and the back.)
Research has repeatedly shown that mindfulness can change the function and structure of the brain. One of the ways it does this is by strengthening the connection between the reactive back of the brain and the rational, calming front of the brain. Here are some fun ways to start a mindfulness practice with kids.
9. Talk about a plan. (This will strengthen the connection between front and back).
The prefrontal cortex will be strengthened any time your child engages it, not just when it’s engaged during anxiety. The pre-frontal cortex loves planning, so when your child is relaxed, involve them in coming up with a plan for if the feel anxious again. Ownership is a powerful thing – your child will much more likely to stay on board with the plan if they have been involved in coming up with it. Ask what might help to make the experience easier next time. There will be more chance of doing this when they are relaxed, because the lower brain will also be relaxed and more willing to surrender control.
And finally …
A more strongly connected brain will be a more effective brain in all sorts of ways, not just against anxiety. It will drive healthier relationships, a greater capacity to learn and deal with challenges, and richer way of responding to the world. Everything our kids need to be vital, healthy and happy is in them. Our job as the important adults in their lives is to help them strengthen those qualities. By supporting them when they need it, and exposing them to the right experiences, we can change and strengthen their brains in ways that will see them thrive.
