Most parents look into the eyes of their newborn baby and see a clean slate. Yet attachment research tells us that the biggest predictor of how we will parent our child is how we’ve been able to make sense of our own past. So, whilst many of us don’t give much thought to our own childhood when we become parents, we should do so if we want to remain informed regarding our parental responses.
Even though what happened to us in childhood shows up in our parenting, this doesn’t mean were doomed to repeat mistakes of our parents. In fact, no matter what distress or even trauma we endured in early life, what matters most is whether we’ve been able to create a coherent narrative and make sense of our experience. By processing our own early experiences, we are better able to relate to our children and provide the nurturance they require.
Often parents begin to recognise over time that their instinctive reactions are not always representative of how they want to relate to their child. Then they can start to understand what triggers these responses when their child displays certain behaviours.
This process isn’t about blaming our parents for our own parenting difficulties. Our parents are only human, complete with flaws and positive traits….. and we must not forget that they were parenting in a different time, when some of the more negative aspects of parenting may have been not only more accepted, but expected.
Yet recognising the ways in which were parented ourselves, we can start to notice the ways our history infiltrates our own parenting style and may distort our behaviour in response to our children when certain triggers arise.
Here are a few things to consider:
1. Imitating
When we become parents, we start to notice in ourselves negative traits that are similar to our parents. Our child spills something and we shout, “Now look what you’ve done!” … and it sounded like it came straight out of your mother’s mouth. We may have learnt plenty of good things from our parents, but we hurt our children when we fail to recognise the way we repeat the maladaptive of our childhood.
Another example of this may be physical punishment. Many parents justify hitting their child simply because “that’s the way my parents dealt with me and I turned out alright!” There are countless studies demonstrating the detrimental effects of corporal punishment. Instead, aim to be ‘the generation busters’ that break this cycle.
2. Overreacting
We may have reacted to a destructive early environment by trying to compensate for or rebel against our parents’ form of discipline. We may be well-intentioned when we try to do it differently, but we often inadvertently go overboard.
For example, if our parents were over-bearing, we may react by being too hands-off our children. Whilst we felt intruded on growing up, our children may feel ignored or a sense of disconnect. When we swing too far the other way, we are still distorting our behaviour based on our history.
3. Projecting
Much of the reason we overcompensate for our parent’s mistakes is that we project ourselves, or how we felt as a child, onto our children. We may see them as our parents saw us, as ‘wild’ or ‘incapable’. We may typecast them as the ‘bad kid’ or the ‘baby’. we may feel sorry for them, projecting that they hurt in the same ways we once hurt or are angry in the same ways we once were.
When we see children as extensions of ourselves, we then put pressure on them to either be like us or excel in ways we weren’t able to. We may expect them to carry on our dreams or pursue our interests, rather than finding their own.
When we project ourselves onto our children, we fail to see them as the distinct individuals they truly are.
Copyright Louise Shalders
