Preliminary Checklist
- Check for any changes in daily program, environment, family, instigation of punishment/discipline regimes
- Assess child’s sense of connection to primary caregivers. Ie. any exaggerated imprinting behaviours evident; separation anxiety symptoms; tantrums/ sensory meltdowns; has time out been commenced?
- Check sleeping quality and quantity
- Check food intake, ie. frequency of meals/snacks and adequate volumes offered. Also not too much junk or fruit?
- Is the child physically compromised? ie. hungry, tired, in pain from teething, constipated, etc.
- Is too much being expected of child for his developmental level? Is there a developmental delay?
- Is the parent being kind and friendly, but firm?
- Is the child being provided with small warnings prior to activity change?
Considerations for parent’s response to misbehaviours
1. If I say use discipline rather than punishment as a strategy, what do I mean?
Firstly, we need to differentiate between punishment and discipline. Punishment is not discipline. Punishment means we hurt someone or take something away from them when they act in ways we don’t like.
Punishment requires a power difference, with the powerful person hurting the less powerful person. Punishment is all about control. And punishment is a poor teacher. It harms relationships, promotes distrust, builds resentment, and pushes unwanted behaviour underground – so kids simply get sneakier. All their behaviour regulation comes from us, and when we’re gone, they do what they want.
Two other points on punishment: firstly, it wears off. Eventually our threats don’t scare our kids, and why would we want to scare them anyway? Secondly, punishment makes them only think about themselves. They worry about how they can get out of trouble; how they can be sneaky.
Discipline means we teach, or instruct and guide, so that our children learn good ways to act. Discipline is about helping children to learn, think for themselves, and – with our guidance – create their own internal sense of what is right and wrong. Thus discipline helps children to regulate their behaviour regardless of whether we are there or not, because it is internally regulated. But discipline takes longer than punishment.
3. Catch the suitable behaviour and name it- ie. ‘mum’s fancy dance’
4. Use of sticker chart
5. Use of Time In strategy for misbehaviour/ tantrums/ sensory meltdowns
6. Both parents on the same page. Ie. often there are 2 different parenting styles
7. Parents determine the non-negotiables together. Ie. safety issues, hurting others, swearing, hand holding when crossing the road
8. Parents determine their one line narratives/ hand gesture for misbehaviours……when things are calm/ prior to misbehaviour episodes
Use a Positive approach as a first choice
Sticker Chart - catch the good behaviours and reward with sticker on chart. Chart remains in public thoroughfare within house.ie. on kitchen overhead cupboard door. Stickers stored in upper cupboard. When admirable behaviour ensues, praise, ask child to choose sticker and lift child to place on chart. When you reach 5 stickers, reward = small non-food, non-toy treat .ie. outing to park
Use a Consequential approach when needed
Time-In - All of the above is provided in an effort to not reach the point of misbehaviour as often and to allow the parent to experience the success of a more positive approach to parenting…. makes for much happier days for all!
But on the days when the ducks don’t all line up and misbehaviour inevitably ensues, Time-In is a preferred method of consequence. It goes as follows:
1. Parent provides both verbal narrative and/or hand gesture as immediate response to misbehaviour. Then a warning that misbehaviour is unacceptable is provided .ie. “please don’t yell, it’s hurting my ears”
2. If child continues to misbehave, caregiver voices that it is time for some ‘thinking time’ and takes child to designated *Cuddle corner/ *Thinking Space
3. If the child wont go, caregiver carries the child under their arm
4. Caregiver and child sit together in thinking space in silence until calm. If possible, try to maintain light physical contact with child. Ie. cuddle, hand on lower body (knee, shin)
5. If child is kicking out, simply sit beside child in silence and pick your moment when physical contact is possible once calm
6. If child is exhibiting a **Sensory Meltdown rather than a **Tantrum, you may need to physical hug the child firmly to enable legs and arms to still.
7. Once calmness has ensured, caregiver may speak- ask the child what happened. ie. “Were you angry?” “That feels yucky doesn’t it?” “Was that because your little sister took your toy?” “Let’s find anger on our chart “(see ***Chart of Emotions)
8. Once calm down, acknowledging the child’s emotion and helping him to name it has occurred. A cuddle and “Sorry Daddy/Mummy” may be nice, then move straight on to a positive activity and don’t dwell on the misbehaviour again.
*Cuddle Corner/ Thinking Space
- Use a carpet square or small soft chair to designate the space
- A quiet area of the house where there is minimal stimulation is ideal. Ie. mum and dad’s bedroom, hallway, formal lounge
- Include calm-down objects. Ie. favourite teddy to hug, blanket or book
- Always sit with your child in this area when it is time for ‘thinking’ to maintain connection and talk through emotion briefly, towards end of time in.
**Tantrums vs. Sensory Meltdowns- follow the link below for an easy to understand explanation of both:
A final word from Louise...
Please remember that every child is different and, as such, each may need a slight variant on the above approaches. These approaches to positive behaviour guidance are intended to be used as a starting point or guide to enable parents to feel as though they have some consistent direction in their responses to misbehaviour by their child. Thereby giving the child a clear understanding of expectations and an opportunity to learn these with calmness, kindness, support and respect.
