There are many reasons couples feel dissatisfied with their relationship after the baby is born:
- An irritable, unsettled baby. “I didn’t know babies cried so much.”
- Unrealistic expectations of being a parent. e.g. expecting to know all that is needed to care for a newborn. “I should know how to get my baby to sleep.”
- Unrealistic expectations of their newborn. e.g. how often he needs to feed, the distressing sound of a baby’s cry. “I find it hard to make rational decisions when he cries.”
- Divergent expectations of individual child-rearing principles from each parent. “He says I should just let him cry himself to sleep and he will learn, but I can’t do that.”
- Perceived unfairness regarding the division of household chores/infant care. “his life just carries on as before – he gets to have adult conversations at work, go to the gym and I’m stuck at home.”
- Perceived (or otherwise) low parenting competence. “I can look after a class room of 5 year olds, but I can’t care for one tiny baby!”
- Existing relationship challenges. e.g. couples who struggle to communicate. “he comes home later and later from work these days. Its as if he is avoiding us.”
- Sleep deprivation can make couples cranky and impatient with each other.
- Perinatal depression and/or anxiety of either/both parents.
Mostly couples are unprepared for the reality of life with a new baby, despite googling, reading books, talking to other parents or family members and attending antenatal classes. The exhaustion, the 24/7 reality, the relentlessness of dependence and general lifestyle adjustment for any couple takes some time to negotiate and fine-tune. The resultant shift in relationship dynamic is often not an easy one.
“It is estimated that after the birth of a baby you can add 30-40 hours a week of extra work to a household – who knew that before having a baby?"
Share the load
Both partners need to understand how much work is involved in raising a child and running a home and have reasonable communication about the sharing of that load – they have to come up with a sharing that's mutually acceptable.
If both parents are happy to take on traditional gender roles that's okay, but problems can arise if one partner expects the other to raise the children and clean the house and they don't want to. This is where both partners need to be aware and acknowledge how much work is involved in raising a child and running a home. This is a dynamic and good ongoing communication will be vital.
Seeing both sides
To ease the strain of unequal workloads, it is important for the other partner to be attentive, show initiative and take responsibility on the domestic front.
I advise the partner to take a week or two off work after baby is born so they can get some early experience and independence in infant care, as well as provide their partner with some much-needed support.
If dads aren't around in the early days then it quickly forces mum into the role of expert and couples may find themselves in traditional gender roles.
It can be as simple as taking the child for a couple of hours so she can take a break … if he can do that without having to be asked, it makes a huge difference to the quality of the couple relationship and the satisfaction of the woman.
But new mums also need to understand their partners may be struggling as well.
It is my view that those couples who best navigate their way through the domestic battleground are those who operate on a principal of goodwill and demonstrated gratitude for the other parent.
Who does what comes down to whoever thinks of it first, or has enough energy at the time. These couples often do far better than those who put the list on the fridge to divide up duties.
It’s the little things
So how do most couples make it through it the transition to parenthood? Most experts agree communication is the key – if couples can share their feelings, frustrations and concerns then they're well on the way.
Good communication hinges on effective listening and couples can use a few simple measures to ensure they hear their partner:
- don't interrupt – let your partner finish what they have to say before responding
- summarise in your own words – this ensures you are both clear on what your partner's told you
- don't immediately disagree – listen to your partner even if you don't agree.
In the end
There's something about the potent cocktail of sleep deprivation, social isolation, fear of failure and six hours of a baby crying that brings even the most resilient of parents to their knees. But then – just as you feel you can't go on – the baby falls asleep, smiles, or grabs your finger, making it all worth it. Recognise the same in your partner relationship – a small gesture of love such as holding your hand or preparing a meal or folding washing, without being asked, might be viewed as a sign that this relationship will endure.
Copyright Louise Shalders.
