Welcoming a new baby into the home is such a joy! When it’s the second baby or beyond, this wonderful time also comes with many challenges, including finding ways to connect and offer appropriate guidance to siblings.
For many children, the arrival of a new baby may bring with it a host of mistaken behaviors. Hitting, kicking, spitting, self-care regression like toilet refusal, bed wetting are very common. When a new baby arrives, children may also experience a sudden inability locate a tooth brush or shoes alone, they may whine and demand instead of making clear requests. Children may also decide they no longer like certain foods, can’t sleep with the light off, must have mum’s hand to do everything. To top it all off, when parent’s make an effort to connect and play together, children may respond by throwing intense, long lasting tantrums. These steps ‘backwards’ are all means for coping and expressing the mix of emotions that comes with a new baby “invading” their home.
Jealousy among siblings is normal. In fact, while it’s hard for parents to hear it, it’s quite age appropriate and common for the older siblings, particularly those under the age of ten, to not only act out by pinching, poking and trying to hit, but to also say things like:
“Send her back to the hospital.”
“I don’t want a brother.”
“I’m the only baby”
Many parents have this hope and vision of happy, loving, hand-holding siblings. This is certainly possible, and it is not an effortless process. This is especially true when it comes to connecting and providing guidance-based discipline to an older child when a new baby arrives and as they continue to grow together.
So what kind of connection and discipline does a child need when the baby arrives?
Understanding
Knowing what and where sibling jealousy comes from can help us reframe our expectations. Mostly, sibling jealousy is just human nature at work. Every child has an inner protective instinct to want to keep parents to himself. Children also tend to appreciate predictability and would rather not ‘rock the boat’ of their otherwise normal, known routine with a newcomer. Part of sibling jealousy is also fear of rejection or fear of no longer being unconditionally loved by mum and dad. “What if they love the baby more than me?” is a genuine concern for many children.
Validate
If your child says hurtful things, like they ‘hate you or the baby’, listen with the intent to validate. I remember telling my second child a few weeks into the birth of her brother something like “Gosh sometimes it must feel so unlucky to have to have another brother. I know the feeling, I remember being sad when my parents brought home a brother and I wanted a sister. Most days I loved my brother, but some days, I really wished my mum would hug only me!” Her face lit up, and she knew I really did understand her. Acceptance and validation has worked so well here with all five children, they genuinely love spending time together (save the occasional conflict!).
”Don’t insist siblings love each other … this will come with time”
Don’t insist siblings love each other, this will come with time, as they interact and discover how fun it can be to play and be with each other. If a child says “I hate the baby” instead of making a big deal out of it, or insisting this cannot be true, take it as a clue that they may need some extra love, validation and comfort.
Many Moments of Connection
All children really need their love buckets or emotional well-being cups filled often to feel well.
I know first hand it is one tough request from parents of a newborn to focus on meeting the individual needs of two, three, or more children, while being sleep deprived and juggling feeds and baby care. Children with new siblings deplete their connection reserves faster then you can imagine. Don’t save to connect only at the end of the day, as much as possible, pause and connect for short moments throughout the day.
‘Special Time’ is all about making time to connect with your child. For a young child, set aside 10 minutes a day (or a few times a day if you can manage) to play, listen or just be fully present with your child. This really makes a big difference to children with a new baby sibling!
Copyright Louise Shalders.
